New Year? Yes. please.

I have really been sucking it up at my blogging.  So much for keeping you people that actually want to hear about my life up to date.

This year actually wasn't so bad.  I am very blessed, this I know.

To name a few events of the year:
My baby niece Cora was born, my family has become closer through hardships, new friends were made, and I ran my first half marathon.

I have dreams and aspirations for my life, and to be honest my life isn't where I thought it would be at this age.  It's been good though, and I know I shouldn't want more but that's my human heart I guess.
I know I am so blessed with my health, a healthy family and love.  I see people in my line of work that are just broken.  People are dying every day, some with no family by their side, and some with an abundance of family members filling the halls.  That's a part of the job, heck, it's part of life.

I had a hope of running a full marathon in the year 2012.  After my half marathon experience, I thought it would be possible.  However due to my hip issue, I don't think it's going to be possible.  I've researched and researched, and have diagnosed myself with piriformis syndrome.  Not a lot can be done with it, you just have to do a lot of strengthening, stretching, massage and sometimes chiropractic adjustments.  I hope to one day be able to do a full marathon, but this piriformis syndrome takes a loooong time to restore itself.  Taking it slow, shortening my runs, and doing tons of strengthening is in the cards for me for now.  As long as I can keep running some, it's better than not at all.  I never thought I would say that about running.

Running has saved me from myself.  Running isn't for some people, but I truly love it.  Some days it's hard to get up and do it, I will admit.  Most days it's a needed relief.  Popping on my headphones, listening to music, letting the endorphins flow, and thinking about nothing... it's the best.

I am ready for 2012.

I'm not planning on doing any New Year's Resolutions.  I just want to be happy and I want everyone that I love to be happy.  I want the world to be at peace, and I want people to be kind to one another.  I want lies to stop, and truths to be told.  I want people to stop hurting and using one another for selfish gain.

Only in a perfect world.  A girl can dream, can't she?

Grace

I heard this song on Grey's Anatomy and I love it.

It makes me grieve and incredibly sad, but it's a good song.

I'm on my knees
only memories
are left for me to hold

Dont know how
but Ill get by
Slowly pull myself together

Theres no escape
So keep me safe
This feels so unreal

Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it seems
Turn my grief to grace

I feel the cold
Loneliness unfold
Like from another world

Come what may
I wont fade away
But I know I might change

Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it was
Turn my grief to grace

Nothing comes easily
Where do I begin?
Nothing can bring me peace
Ive lost everything
I just want to feel your embrace

Dreams

I've always had pretty vivid dreams, and I can usually remember at least one dream a night.
I had a great dream last night, and I thought I'd better hurry and write it down before I forgot the details.

I dreamt that my Dad was sitting at a table with 3 remotes.  He was going to explain to me how to use each of them with the TV.  (Which is funny because he would always call my brother or me to help him figure out how to use the remote with the TV.)

I asked him if he knew that he wasn't in this world anymore, that he wasn't supposed to be here.  He knew it, but he had to show me the remotes first.  I asked him again if he knew that he's not in this body and that he's not alive.  He said, "I know baby, but I have to show you these remotes."

I asked him what it was like where he was.  He said, "Ohhh, it's beautiful.  So peaceful.  Just beautiful."
I asked him if he ever saw Jesus. He said, "We see him every now and then when he comes out of His pyramid, but we ALWAYS feel his presence.  We feel it all the time, kind of like you do here, but way more intense."

That's all I remember of my dream.  I thought it was a beautiful dream, it gave me some peace.  I don't remember if he ever showed me how to use the remotes. :)  Although, I doubt that was the point of the dream.

Getting back to life

I had dealt with death quite a bit being an ICU nurse.
I had never lost anyone close to me however.  My Grandma died when I was 5.  I remember feeling  sad, but I don't remember much about it.  My other grandparents had passed away before I was old enough to remember or before I was born.

It's amazing how your whole world can be turned upside down in one moment.

September 16th at 8:00 am was that moment for me.

I had just gotten off work and was sound asleep when I got a phone call nobody ever wants to get.

My Dad had died.

Typing those words still doesn't seem real to me.

Grief is a weird thing.  You learn about the stages of grief, yet they jumble into your life minute to minute.

It's true you don't really know until you experience the loss of someone so close to you.

You can't REALLY understand... at least I couldn't before this happened to me.

Days are getting better.  I still have those moments that hit me like a brick in the chest and all I can do is cry.  There's always a dull ache in my heart, and I'm sure that won't ever really go away.  Some days I'm doing good, and some days it's forced happiness and smiles.  Sometimes I feel angry that other people are happy, then I feel guilty for feeling angry, and then I get sad.  Sometimes I don't understand why everyone else's world has kept going while mine has stopped.  There are little triggers that come out of nowhere.  The other day I was in my patient's room and a song came on the TV that reminded me of him.

It's the deepest pain I have ever felt.  

The man that was around me, raised me, and supported me the best way he could for my 25 years of life, is no longer here on this Earth.  I can't ever again hear his voice, smell his aftershave, hear his corny jokes, or see him turn the channel 800 times a minute.

Sometimes I feel like people think I should be "over" this by now.  While as the days go on it gets better, I will never be "over" it.. just learning to living in a new sense of "normal."

I am so blessed with my mother and brother  and my friends. God has carried us through it and I know He has been there holding us in our darkest times.

Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress, my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief.  Psalm 31:9

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:25-30

And he said, "These are they who have come out of the great tribulation; they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb. Therefore, "they are before the throne of God and serve him day and night in his temple; and he who sits on the throne will spread his tent over them. Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat upon them, nor any scorching heat. For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes  Revelation 7:15-17

As my brother's wedding and the holidays approach, along with rejoicing there will be sadness.

Prayers for my family and I are still appreciated. 

We are so grateful for the cards, visits, food, and prayers from everyone.

love.

Death.

Working at a hospital especially in a critical care setting, you see a lot of death.
Sometimes death comes in groups.
Sometimes it's weeks before you have a death.
Most of the time I block it out, you learn to separate from it.  That's your job.  It's life.  This is what happens.

Without elaborating too much (for confidentiality sake), I had a patient death recently that hit me harder than usual.
This patient I had taken care of all three nights.  Very nice person, not terribly unstable, no drips, but in the CCU for a very good reason,  This patient was a great person, a little anxious (reasonably), and the family was wonderful.  When I left that week for my 5 days off, I didn't give a second thought about it.  This patient was to be better and get out of the unit within the next 2 days.

I come back to work to find out this patient had died a couple of days later unexpectedly.

It's weird to me because I've had many great patients, with wonderful families, that I didn't expect to pass away and yet this one affected me differently.

I've come to terms with it now and it wasn't that I was heartbroken/sobbing.  It's just a little piece of me was different after that and I can't quite put my finger on it.

I'm not even sure why I wrote this, but deaths are something in my life that happens often and I guess I just wanted to share how sometimes I deal with it.... and sometimes I don't.