Getting back to life

I had dealt with death quite a bit being an ICU nurse.
I had never lost anyone close to me however.  My Grandma died when I was 5.  I remember feeling  sad, but I don't remember much about it.  My other grandparents had passed away before I was old enough to remember or before I was born.

It's amazing how your whole world can be turned upside down in one moment.

September 16th at 8:00 am was that moment for me.

I had just gotten off work and was sound asleep when I got a phone call nobody ever wants to get.

My Dad had died.

Typing those words still doesn't seem real to me.

Grief is a weird thing.  You learn about the stages of grief, yet they jumble into your life minute to minute.

It's true you don't really know until you experience the loss of someone so close to you.

You can't REALLY understand... at least I couldn't before this happened to me.

Days are getting better.  I still have those moments that hit me like a brick in the chest and all I can do is cry.  There's always a dull ache in my heart, and I'm sure that won't ever really go away.  Some days I'm doing good, and some days it's forced happiness and smiles.  Sometimes I feel angry that other people are happy, then I feel guilty for feeling angry, and then I get sad.  Sometimes I don't understand why everyone else's world has kept going while mine has stopped.  There are little triggers that come out of nowhere.  The other day I was in my patient's room and a song came on the TV that reminded me of him.

It's the deepest pain I have ever felt.  

The man that was around me, raised me, and supported me the best way he could for my 25 years of life, is no longer here on this Earth.  I can't ever again hear his voice, smell his aftershave, hear his corny jokes, or see him turn the channel 800 times a minute.

Sometimes I feel like people think I should be "over" this by now.  While as the days go on it gets better, I will never be "over" it.. just learning to living in a new sense of "normal."

I am so blessed with my mother and brother  and my friends. God has carried us through it and I know He has been there holding us in our darkest times.

Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress, my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief.  Psalm 31:9

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:25-30

And he said, "These are they who have come out of the great tribulation; they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb. Therefore, "they are before the throne of God and serve him day and night in his temple; and he who sits on the throne will spread his tent over them. Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat upon them, nor any scorching heat. For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes  Revelation 7:15-17

As my brother's wedding and the holidays approach, along with rejoicing there will be sadness.

Prayers for my family and I are still appreciated. 

We are so grateful for the cards, visits, food, and prayers from everyone.

love.